The best revenge is premature balding
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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