just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
