I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize