Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
