Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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