I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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