i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
