She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
