My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
