Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
