Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
