the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
