I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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