Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
