A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
