I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
