Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
