dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
