i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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