she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
