My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
