You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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