note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
