my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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