I'm so fucking centered right now
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
