so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He better not be in your backpack
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
