I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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