im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
