the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
