ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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