Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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