I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
