and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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