I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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