I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
