I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
