okay pat passed out under dana's car
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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