She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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