I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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