I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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