M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
