i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
