That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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