she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
