im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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