I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
