be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
