I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
