if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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