dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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