Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
