well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
