Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
