YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i would punch a child for taco bell
I think my fart just growled at me.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
